Thank You For The Memories…

Dear ,
I know I will never post this letter but I need to write this for, like they say, every relationship is complete only when it ends. It came as an email, the invitation to your wedding and I was besides myself to read about the girl who would be your wife. You didn’t send me the email of course, it was forwarded by a friend who had known us from the time when such a wedding invitation would have been an unspeakable thing.

Do you remember how we met on the first day of our new jobs, new to the city, the surroundings and to each other? And yet a month later, you said I had transformed you into being more like myself, you were familiar with my love for Shakespeare, autumn and Vivaldi’s four seasons. When you looked at my initials and declared that if we got married, I wouldn’t have to change them, I had stared at you and then broken into peals of laughter. I don’t remember how the friendship grew, in what was an age of newness, you became my oldest buddy. 

When I went home for the Christmas break, you asked to come along. I had looked at you incredulously and reminded you that I wasn’t called the Colonel’s daughter for nothing. You had offered to stay in a motel and stand outside my house everyday. “Why would you do such a thing?”, I had asked even as visions of my father hauling you for trespassing floated before my yes. “Because I will miss you if you go away”, you had said simply and the familiar feeling of hurried heartbeats had left me confused. I was caught between being loyal to my baggage of memories and moving on with the echoes of my heart and a reply was not forthcoming.

When I came back, you asked to meet me and right there on the office lawn with its jasmine and begonias, you asked me to marry you. “You are the one for me”, you said even as you pushed a single red rose into my hand. I didn’t say yes and I didn’t say no. I knew this was coming but I was waiting for a homecoming from someone else across the seas. He would never come back but hope is always the last one to leave the room and it stays on with the lights turned on bright,even as everyone walks away.

Do you remember how you sang to me every time you asked me if I had made up my mind and I pleaded you to stop, because you couldnt carry a tune? Do you remember how you stopped a bus midway and walked back 3 kms to check if I was okay because I had looked upset when we bid each other goodbye for the day? Do you remember how you had pointed to the sky and given me half the stars, saying you would keep the other half for yourself if I ever went away? And yet, I took my share of the stars and gave nothing away. I remained stuck in no-man’s land even as my photograph appeared in your wallet, even as you told me that I had to merely ask and the world would be mine.

Do you remember how you offered to cancel your trip to be with me because I was going through a bad phase at work? But I asked you to go and my last memory of you will be the two of us in the moonlight where you knelt down beside me and gave me the biggest cards you had found and asked me to marry you again. When I come back, we will never be apart again, you had said. And I had let you go, even as a dull ache settled around me. And I had realized that when you have your own journeys to make, a goodbye will not shatter you. So I mailed you one day to tell you that my answer was a no, and for the rest of my life, I will chide myself for not being gentle enough. You had called up then from a land of freezing winters, late at night and asked me why I couldn’t have told you this earlier, were you not my best friend ever? I didn’t want to think of you, alone, across the seas, dealing with the pain that was my doing. And yet, I was not brave enough to deal with it so I moved on and blocked it out because I couldn’t have handled the guilt and the pain both.

So I didn’t return your calls and pretended that I had never been loved madly, irrationally and completely like you had loved me. You resigned from your job and moved away and while my scars healed, as a reminder of a stubborn memory, a faint mark remained.

I can say this now, a part of me is proud of the fact that I did not go along and say yes to you because the person I am today is not the person you loved back then. I don’t know though, maybe we could have grown together and the future would have still been rosy. And here we are, exactly 7 years to the day you asked me to marry you, love has visited your step again and this time you are in it for the long haul. For loving me beyond belief, though I may never have said it then, I give you a big thank you. For allowing me to walk away and wishing me well for my journey, I give you all my gratitude. I am sorry for all the promises and the memories and the unsaid words. I want you to know that no one escapes their heartache and that I did fight my battles and lose people I loved. In the long run, I hope time has been kind to you as she has been to me.

I want you to know that a walk down memory lane is better because of you, that I consider myself lucky for your love and faith. Someday I would like to meet your wife and tell her what a special person you are. But for now I will think of you as I remember you from that moonlit night and hope that your share of stars always shines brightly. Someday when I am old, under a fading autumn sun, I will think of you and of a love that was brave enough to allow us to make journeys alone and I will smile to myself thinking of the red roses. I hope you do too.

Sincerely,
The Girl You Once Loved

About these ads

24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. myotherhalf
    Feb 14, 2007 @ 06:02:56

    This brought tears to my eyes. Both for its heartbreak and for its hope.

    Reply

  2. fizo
    Feb 14, 2007 @ 06:25:59

    wow!

    Reply

  3. IW
    Feb 14, 2007 @ 12:41:22

    I was hoping for a love story with happy ending, especially so on V-Day. *sigh* (deep sigh) .

    p.s. : Happy V-Day Scary. Waiting for NZ travelogue.

    Reply

  4. cheti
    Feb 14, 2007 @ 19:17:20

    Beautiful ! After vivek’s shocker, this comes as a soothing balm !

    wow !

    Reply

  5. Scarlett
    Feb 15, 2007 @ 03:26:52

    Thanks people for your comments.
    MyOtherHalf, arent heartbreak and hope a combined cycle? One helps you get over the other and you are pulled back into it again. Thanks for dropping by.

    Fizo, thanks, where have you been lady?

    IW, you have to expect more from your dear sister than happy endings. Will try and put up a NZ travelogue soonish.

    Chets, thank you. I have to comment on Viv’s blog too, it was awesome. Thanks for your kind words. PS: Do you watch the Medium???

    Reply

  6. enig
    Feb 15, 2007 @ 05:23:17

    I’ve read this twice Scarlett and still can’t find any words to say anything…..perhaps there are none! I can feel the pain in what must have been a very difficult piece to write…but as usual, you did it so well in ur own beautiful way! And yeah, guilt is not an easy beast to tackle, but I know that you would know how our journeys make us who we are today and that if it were not for the battles that we fought along the way, we wouldn’t be the same today! :-)

    enig
    P.S: I just noticed, is that a smiley at the bottom of ur webpage, that is so darn cute :):)

    Reply

  7. bilbo
    Feb 15, 2007 @ 05:45:40

    hehhe, I had to scroll down to see the smiley and it took a while to see it. nice.
    loved reading this one but then thats what I always say on reading your blogs :)
    I agree with enig that guilt is a tough beast to tackle.

    Reply

  8. Scarlett
    Feb 15, 2007 @ 06:15:42

    Enig, thank you for your words. You are so right, where you have been tells you where you will go. And there is a relief when you look back at the paths you did not take….:-)
    Thanks again.

    Bilbs, see you what made me do, I had to scroll a couple of thousand times to see the smiley but YAY I saw it finally. It is damned cute.
    Thanks Billy, guilt is hard to tackle but I believe in some cases, time dilutes the guilt, maybe it is merely because we see the bigger picture over time and realize that huge decisions can be inconsequential.
    Ah well, going back to smiley hunting how ;-)

    Reply

  9. bluehues
    Feb 17, 2007 @ 17:13:09

    i saw the smiley too.. you didnt put it there yurself then? where did it pop up from?

    Scarlet, am not really good at commenting on people’s write up… but i really liked your letter. could connect to it somehow! it sure feels weird to know tht one once loved has moved on and getting/is ‘married. Glad to hear tht you have fond memories to cherish.
    cheers
    ll

    Reply

  10. pradzzz
    Feb 20, 2007 @ 19:31:48

    You and I
    were just made
    to love the pain
    that love gives
    away

    you and i
    will jus tread,
    climb hills high n low
    to find that love
    that’ll mk this pain
    go away.

    Scary berry,
    you’re very very sweetory,

    :)

    Reply

  11. Aman Sharma
    Feb 21, 2007 @ 18:00:46

    Scarlett,
    I dont know what to say as I believe if love is there and by anything one cant be with his/her love,still he/she must have some memories to cherish upon, memories to look back and smile,memories to say to oneself that he/she loved and that was the best thing that could happen to him/her.I understand completely the pain.But what you would say for someone who would say to his/her loved one that he/she never loved him/her?She/he has nothing to do with him/her?She/he loved someone else, never thought to be with him/her till the time of getting old, just thought to be with that person for some time?What you would say for that person?What you would say to that person who leaves someone saying this that if he/she is going to be with him it would spoil her/his dreams of studying abroad, getting a good job and she has to be selfish for herself?
    Sorry it wasnt exactly a comment.I just flew with the blow of memories.Once again, very nicely you have jolted down a feeling for which finding words even is so tough.
    Take care
    Aman….

    Reply

  12. Scarlett
    Feb 22, 2007 @ 03:28:04

    Blue, thanks for your comment. What was that about roses in december, the most graceful way to let go is to have a handful of good memories.

    Pradz, where have you been? I have missed your comments on my blogs. Scary berry is often confusory and sometimes sweetory but she likes a commentary on her blogs :-D

    Aman, feel free to ramble away on my blog. The thing about the decisions that people make is while they may hurt us or scar us, they dont have to dictate where we go. Love will burn us all, one time or the other, it will make us question everything we have known. All that remains at the end is a few memories, that salvages us and keeps us from losing the deal completely. We dont have a choice, do we?

    Cheers,
    Scarlett

    Reply

  13. Aman Sharma
    Feb 22, 2007 @ 04:27:41

    Scarlett, that’s the same what I believe too that love is an ocean of fire and one has swim through it to get through it.Memories are all which are left with one but when the memories haunt, hurt than its painful beyond words.I did expected this only that memories must not hurt, nothing else I expected and wished but I heard all (and much more) above said.I dont know was it too much to ask for few memories too which I could cherish for the rest of my life but I was told that I did expect too much!Yes you are right that we cant chose whom we shall love and we also cant decide what we shall get at the last in our hands.But it hurts when the other person doesnt even care about the tears,pain and wounds that he/she is leaving behind, never turns back for one moment even.Time heals all the wounds but marks are never gone and its not the wounds which hurt after sometime, its the marks of those.I wrote something for this.Have a
    read.

    http://amansharma.wordpress.com/2006/05/06/once-again/

    Yes love always make us lose something of us but it makes us complete isn’t it Scarlett?But when it breaks you completely than what one should do?
    Cheers,
    Aman….

    Reply

  14. Aman Sharma
    Feb 23, 2007 @ 15:07:50

    Scarlett, thanks so much coming and visiting my blog.I replied your comment.
    Cheers,
    Aman….

    Reply

  15. Apy
    Feb 28, 2007 @ 09:32:15

    All i can say right now is.. Wow!!!

    Reply

  16. Scarlett
    Mar 16, 2007 @ 00:36:20

    Apy thanks for the Wow. Arent you Billy’s friend? I recall seeing your name on her blog :-D

    Mucho appreciated

    Scarlett

    Reply

  17. Mimikyo
    Jan 08, 2013 @ 01:56:33

    This is beautiful. I cried. But I do hope that I do not have to write such beautifully sad letter like EVER :)

    Reply

  18. scarlettletters
    Jan 31, 2013 @ 11:50:50

    Mimikyo, thanks for dropping by. Love doesn’t hurt as much after a while, I think – it didn’t hurt to write this, it was bittersweet. But yes, not writing sad letters to those we once cared for would be an even better option :)
    Keep visiting,
    S

    Reply

  19. Ganner Rhysode
    May 06, 2013 @ 04:58:01

    Miss Scarlett, I need to know one thing. The story, is it true?

    Reply

  20. scarlettletters
    May 08, 2013 @ 13:57:13

    That depends on who is asking. But I would go with a yes :)

    Reply

    • Ganner Rhysode
      May 08, 2013 @ 17:52:21

      Then I am very sorry for the pain you suffered.

      I recognized myself in the man who loved the girl of his life so unconditionally. And you are the girl of his life. He might have moved on, married someone else, gave her his love, but deep down, deep in his soul where no one can intrude I know that he cherishes the memory of you. It’s what men do. We move onwards, but keep looking back into the past, thinking about what could have been, or what should have been.

      Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Your letter is beautiful. The last paragraph sent shivers down my spine. I have been taught that men don’t cry, but it still brought me to tears. I too enjoy walks down memory lane, even though it reminds me of pain and loss. But, like you said in one of your replies, it doesn’t hurt so much after a while.

      Reply

  21. scarlettletters
    May 11, 2013 @ 14:16:16

    Thank you for saying that. And for sharing your story. The most beautiful stories of our life are often the incomplete ones, the ones that time did not get to spoil with age and endings.

    Regards,
    Scarlett

    Reply

  22. Jephia
    Sep 27, 2014 @ 23:16:11

    Dear Scarlet… I loved your letter…… It was quite emotional and touching. I was actually searching for monologue ideas for my controlled assessment and that’s how i stumbled upon thus one…. its on the theme ‘remember’. I was wondering if you would mid if I use a few ideas from your letter… I am sooo sooo sorry if this offended you in anyway…
    Love, Jephia

    Reply

  23. scarlettletters
    Oct 01, 2014 @ 15:04:47

    Hi Jephia, So sorry I missed your note. Yes, of course, please go ahead and use it :) Good luck.

    Scarlett

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: